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Blog Sexual Purity

5 People You Should Be Honest With About Your Porn Addiction

“Honesty is the best policy.” Perhaps you remember hearing this often repeated phrase in your childhood. I know I remember hearing it. As a child, I grew up learning that good things came from being honest. And bad things came from lying. Conviction came very easily for me a child as I think I had a pretty sensitive heart, which I would later learn could be both good and bad depending on the situation. But for the most part, I tried to be honest in everything I did. I knew that lying was wrong. It wasn’t until my world was literally shattered when I viewed hardcore pornography for the first time that I really began to learn how to lie.

What happened? The diabolical mixture of both excitement and shame broke down the walls of my heart and my mind. I entered a world that I didn’t know how to get out of. It was as if I could’t get enough of what I was watching. And yet at the same time, I hated it. This pattern continued in my life for 13 years — through middle school, high school, college, and even through a ministry position I took in a church. Thankfully, by the grace of God, I found freedom. I found a way out of the darkness. But it wasn’t until I rediscovered something I had lost early in adolescence: Honesty.

Honesty was and continues to be to this day one of the greatest keys to my freedom. Who did I need to get honest with? They are the same people I believe every man and woman must be honest with if they are to find the same freedom and healing I did. You must learn to cultivate honesty with the following people:

  1. Yourself — This is the first place that healing either starts or stops in a person’s life. For me, I had to come to a broken place, a place of reckoning where I became so aware of the state of my heart and how my addiction was affecting those around me. You’ve probably heard it described many times before as a “rock bottom” place. But even when I hit the bottom, I had to drop the shovel I was carrying. I had to stop digging the hole even deeper in an attempt to find fulfillment. My point of honesty finally occurred in two different places: In the face of complete devastation from my fiancé which then led me to a counselor’s office. I had to realize I wasn’t healthy. I was sick. My life was a complete lie. It wasn’t until I was really willing to bring all of the ugly into the light that I could take the first step.
  2. Your Spouse — The next person you need to be honest with is the person you’re meant to become one with: your spouse. And therein lies the reason why we always need to be 100% honest with them. To achieve that kind of unity with your husband or wife requires that they really know you. That you allow them to see inside of you. You don’t hide anything. You don’t keep secrets. You allow them to see the good, the bad, and the ugly. Even the ugly you think is too shameful. Perhaps you’re reading this and you’re not married yet. All the more reason why it’s so important to cultivate honesty in your life! If you are desiring to become married, your credibility tank needs to be full before, not after you say “I do” on the altar. Be honest with your spouse. Or, if you’re not married, be a person that someone can trust their life to when the day comes.
  3. Your Accountability Partner(s) — This may be one person or a few in your life. But an accountability partner’s specific job is to know you. And your specific job is to allow them to know you. It requires honesty with someone in order for them to effectively encourage and challenge you to be better. More than ourselves and our spouses, we need other men and women who are at a healthy place to be able to ask us the hard questions we don’t want to answer. Because the reality is we can’t walk on this journey alone. We can’t expect to get healthy by ourselves. We were never designed to live life alone.
  4. Your Support Group or Small Group — Another group of people we should be honest with about our pornography addiction is a support group or small group. The difference here between accountability partners and members of a support group is that within a support group there are other individuals like yourself who are also struggling. Part of the journey of healing is walking with others who need community just like you. Others whose lives have been broken because of addiction. One other note on this: The men and women in a support group are not only meant to be there for us, but we’re meant to be there for them too. You have something so valuable to offer to those without hope.
  5. Your God — Assuming you’re a person of faith, your honesty with the One who created you is so important. The ironic thing about this is that our God knows everything there is to know about us (see Psalm 139) and yet His desire is for truth to come from our lives. I love what Psalm 51:6 says in The Passion Translation: “I know that you delight to set your truth deep in my spirit. So come into the hidden places of my heart and teach me wisdom.” As I referenced earlier, it was only by the grace of God that I found ultimate freedom in my life. I believe this is one person that we cannot ignore on our quest to become healthy. He not only cares about your eternity…He cares about your heart too.

One of the greatest ways you could start your journey towards honesty is to become apart of a community that values and fosters the truth each and every week. Small Groups Online is that community. It promises a safe and healthy atmosphere with other men who struggle just like you. Through sharing time and communication with others in the group about your addiction, you will find a renewed sense of courage spring up in you to become a person of sexual integrity.

Don’t buy the lies anymore! Join Small Groups Online today!

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Podcasts

Agreements: Releasing the Lies We’ve Believed in Life

This week on the podcast, we go back into the archives as Frank shares a talk he gave a couple years ago on the power of agreements — subtle lies that come into our heart & mind that we might believe about ourselves, others, and even God. Agreements can take a strong hold of our lives if we’re not careful. How do we break the agreements we’ve made in our lives?


VIDEO:



If you and your spouse are struggling and would like help on your journey, please feel free to contact us! Or, if you’re a wife and need some extra help from another wife who’s walked through what you have, head on over to the “Support for Wives” section and shoot Tracey a message by filling out the contact form. All communication is strictly confidential.

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Blog

Removing The Mask – Brian Johnson

Coming from an addiction, it’s really hard to be honest. To be real. To be vulnerable. We’ve become used to wearing masks and putting on a facade so no one can see inside to what is real. But the reality is that God can see through any mask we try to put on. So why should we be afraid of what man thinks of us? One of my favorite singers & song writers, Brian Johnson, shared in this humorous, yet truthful video about the importance of vulnerability. Enjoy!


Categories
Blog Resources Sexual Purity

21 Lies Porn Uses to Keep You in Bondage

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Certain people have a tell-tale sign that makes it easy to recognize when they’re lying: their lips are moving.

In other words, some folks lie continuously. If their mouth is open and producing sound, it is the sound of deception.

They might lie to get out of trouble. They might lie because they are trying to tell you what they think you want to hear–or what they think will get you to do what they want. Or they might lie simply because they don’t want to have to stop and discern the truth before speaking. Just loosening their jaw and letting words fall out seems so much easier.

Pornography is a liar. Only it doesn’t even have to move its lips. Yet, it’s always lying. 24-7. 365 days a year. 366 days on leap years.

But I have found that recognizing some of the many lies porn tries to sell me has grown in my heart a deep distaste for it–mostly because I’ve come to recognize how much porn detests me.

You may know or even care deeply for someone for whom lies have become a way of life. They don’t mean any harm–certainly not towards you. They just can’t seem to help it. Some folks have lived in deceit so long, they probably don’t even know what the truth is anymore.

This is not the case with porn. Porn has an agenda, and it includes your destruction. Total destruction. Further, when you consider its many lies head-on, I hope it helps you to resist its deceptive allure, the same way it has for me.

21 Lies Porn Uses to Keep You in Bondage

See if you recognize any of these lies porn uses.

Porn says, “Live your fantasies.” But that, of course, is impossible. That’s why they’re called fantasies.

Porn says, “Let me take your mind off all of that,” as it takes over your mind.

Porn says, “I think we’re alone now.” But by “we” it means just you.

Porn says, “It’s not that bad.” But how bad is it?

Porn says, “Everyone’s doing it,” as you hide it from everyone.

Porn says, “Let’s have some fun!” But the joke’s on you.

Porn says, “I know how you feel,” as it deadens your ability to feel.”

Porn says, “I’m here for your pleasure.” But no one’s there. Except you. Pleasuring yourself. Alone.

Porn says, “I can make your dreams come true,” but there’s nothing true about it. Except the nightmare of addiction.

Porn says, “No one will find out,” as if you aren’t someone.

Porn says, “Take me,” as it takes you.

Porn says, “Help yourself,” as you hurt yourself.

Porn says, “Give yourself a break,” as it breaks you.

Porn says, “Don’t worry,” but if it wasn’t wrong you wouldn’t have to.

Porn says, “I’m yours,” but nobody’s really there.

Porn says, “No one’s watching,” but the problem has to do with what YOU are watching.

Porn says, “I’m here whenever you need me.” But when you’re done, your need remains.

Porn says, “Satisfy your lust,” but by definition lust can never be satisfied.

Porn says, “I can give you a release,” while it holds you in the bondage of addiction.

Porn says, “I’ll make it all better,” but in the end it will leave you bitter.

Porn says, “Just live in the moment,” but afterward you’re deleting your history and then desiring your next hit.

Don’t be fooled by porn. It’s lying to you. Even if its lips aren’t moving. And, as you can see from the lies above, there’s a method to its madness. Which means you need a method to your sanity. You need a plan to defeat the lies of porn with the truth of who you are and why you’re here.

That’s why Covenant Eyes exists, not merely to help you see through the lies porn is telling you, but to enable you to live a life of freedom and integrity. Learn more about how porn rewires your brain and what you can do about it by downloading their free e-book Your Brain on Porn.

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Categories
Blog Discipleship Resources Sexual Purity

Isolation is a Powerful Lie

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Thinking back on my days of active addiction, I remember what isolation felt like. It an odd sort of way, it felt safe. Secure. I was hidden from a world of judgement. No one knew about the sexually explicit material that I consumed. I was hidden (or at least I thought so) from dealing with the harsh realities of pain and the insecurities I felt about myself.

Little did I know for 13 years that all of this only fueled my addiction to pornography and kept me trapped. And there are so many today that live in that same sense of isolation — their stories waiting to be heard but only being buried down deeper and deeper. Friend – what feels like safety to you is actually pulling you further and further away from life. From love. From freedom. From health.

But as deep as you’re trying to bury yourself and hide yourself — hope is still within reach.

IF. YOU. WANT. IT.

Emerging from isolation is probably harder to face than even the addiction itself. The shame is so great. The fear is monumental. And yet, hope is still alive.

You can find hope, help, and healing for your journey at Purity For Life. There’s TONS of resources from podcasts to articles to videos here on the website that are meant to help you live with sexual integrity through Jesus Christ.

Welcome to the journey.