3 Steps To Discovering Why You Are Addicted

In this episode of Pure Gold, Frank talks about three steps you need to be taking along your journey to discover the reason for your sexually compulsive behavior. Discovering the “why” behind addiction is so important for long-lasting healing & success in recovery.


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“Healing takes more than time. It takes intentionality. It takes the humility and courage to call what hurts by its name and the resolve to do the work that freedom demands.”

Jackie Hill-Perry

Recently, near the end of the men’s group that I lead, I was getting ready to pray for all the guys in our group. Every man in the group has an incredibly unique story, and so when the time comes for us to pray together in our meetings, I always find these to be powerful moments for God to move within our hearts.

On this particular night, I felt like a specific word was given to me for all of us to embrace: Investigation.

In the journey towards freedom and healing from our unwanted sexual behaviors, I have found that we go through different phases of restoration: Confessing the destructive choices we’ve made, receiving forgiveness from those we have betrayed, and discovering a safe, healthy community we can belong to. These are all critical and necessary steps we must take in order to heal.

And yet, as important as these steps are, I’ve found only one thing to be the glue that holds all of these other things together: Investigating the heart. Discovering “WHY” we medicate our pain is perhaps the greatest step we can take to finding long lasting healing.

How do we discover the “why” behind our addictions and other compulsive behaviors? For this, we have to go back to the word mentioned earlier: Investigation. How does an actual investigation begin? After some kind of crime has been committed, the goal of law enforcement & other investigators is to discover how the crime occurred in the first place. Evidence must be gathered, witnesses must be interviewed, & ultimately, the person who committed the crime must be found and taken in.

Please understand, I’m not suggesting that you try and police your hearts looking for any and every potential cause to the struggles you face. A person could go crazy trying to figure this out. What I am suggesting is that virtually 100% of the time there is a link between pain and addiction. Behind every addiction is a source of pain, abuse, or trauma of which an individual tries to medicate. This is where the journey begins: Venturing into the unknown places of the heart with a flashlight and looking for the places that have been damaged by the actions of others or ourselves.

Sometimes, the cause of the hurt is from an abuse that took place when you were a child. Sometimes, the manipulation of our minds & hearts started when porn was accidentally discovered in our own home. Or it could even be as elusive as a lie or agreement we make about ourselves that works its way into our thinking.

Wherever the source of our pain stems from, we’re the ones responsible to do the real soul work that is necessary in recovery. Where do we begin?

  1. Launch the Investigation — One of the most difficult decisions a person will ever make in recovery is doing the heart surgery required for healing. And while this isn’t easy to do, you don’t have to do it alone. Having a counselor come alongside of you who is certified in sexual addiction therapy is a great start. They can ask the right questions and aid you in tracing the potential sources of any unwanted behavior. Oftentimes, they will help you look at your past and your present.
  2. Discover the Evidence — In virtually every crime scene there is evidence that needs to be discovered by investigators with the goal of leading them to the person responsible. The same is true for our lives in recovery. We have to comb through the places of pain, trauma, or abuse to find what things could have contributed to our addiction. Being involved in community helps this process significantly. And you don’t even have to go far to find it! Small Groups Online offers specific groups that you can become apart of to help you meet others who are walking through the same struggles that you are.
  3. Identify the Suspects — Our ultimate goal is to find where the source of our unwanted sexual behaviors lie. You might think that the the person who binges on porn every night has a porn problem. The reality is that they have a pain problem. And discovering the culprits hiding behind that pain is crucial. Counselors, support groups and many other resources available to you today can help you discover what’s really going on in your life.

I love the words of Psalm 139:23-24, which says “’God, I invite your searching gaze into my heart. Examine me through and through; find out everything that may be hidden within me. Put me to the test and sift through all my anxious cares. See if there is any path of pain I’m walking on, and lead me back to your glorious, everlasting ways— the path that brings me back to you.’”

Remember that the recovery journey is a marathon, not a sprint. It will take a combination of time and intentionality on your part to find the freedom you so desperately long for. But rest assured, YOU CAN DO IT. Never give up on becoming the best version of yourself.


If you and your spouse are struggling and would like help on your journey, please feel free to contact us! Or, if you’re a wife and need some extra help from another wife who’s walked through what you have, head on over to the “Support for Wives” section and shoot Tracey a message by filling out the contact form. All communication is strictly confidential.

How to Experience Peace in Chaos

We’re living in such crazy times! With COVID-19 a new reality in our world today, violent & destructive riots occurring every day, and a highly contentious election coming up, how is one supposed to find peace in their every day lives? And even more so for those who listen to this podcast, how does a person thrive in their recovery journey? This week on the podcast, we share a message that Frank preached recently at a local church on the topic of experiencing peace in times of chaos. We pray that it will be a blessing in your life!


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If you and your spouse are struggling and would like help on your journey, please feel free to contact us! Or, if you’re a wife and need some extra help from another wife who’s walked through what you have, head on over to the “Support for Wives” section and shoot Tracey a message by filling out the contact form. All communication is strictly confidential.

What’s Stopping You From Being Honest?

One of the cornerstones of a successful recovery journey is honesty. A person cannot possibly find freedom, healing, & wholeness in their life without honesty. In this episode, Frank talks about why honesty is so important and how you can start the journey towards freedom today! He shares specifically from an article he wrote a couple years back entitled “What’s Stopping You From Being Honest?”


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If you and your spouse are struggling and would like help on your journey, please feel free to contact us! Or, if you’re a wife and need some extra help from another wife who’s walked through what you have, head on over to the “Support for Wives” section and shoot Tracey a message by filling out the contact form. All communication is strictly confidential.

Healthy Sexuality – Jeremy Riddle

“SEXUALITY: Healthy sexuality can only be what God designed: between one man and one woman in the covenant of marriage. Period. If you believe the word of God supports ANY other form of sexual expression, you are deceived. Many people struggling with same sex attraction tell me “I have always felt this way for as long as I can remember.” I have never doubted it for a second. But has no one told you the hard truth about sexuality? That sexual attraction/desire MUST be trained and focused? That you must lead your body/desires and not let them rule over you or they will destroy your life? How many married men/women could make the same argument for polygamy? Could say “You know, as hard as I tried to push those feelings down, the truth is I’ve never been attracted to just one person. Clearly I’m made this way.” Guys, almost every single married person could have that story. But no, those with beautiful, thriving, sexually satisfying marriages have learned to HONOR their covenant by disciplining their hearts, training their eyes and focusing all their desire for sexual intimacy on their spouse alone. I understand disciplining a heterosexual desire may be far less complex than a homosexual one and I don’t pretend to fully understand the great pain and confusion surrounding this struggle. I am not without compassion, but we CANNOT bend the truth. The Christian life will never be anything less than taking God at His word and bringing our WHOLE lives into alignment. It may cost us many things, even a loss of sexual satisfaction in this life, but have we forgotten that Christians don’t live for this life but for eternity? That they have already laid down their lives for Jesus and acknowledged Him as worthy of their sexuality? Their WHOLE lives? Honoring God’s design for sexuality will be one of this generations greatest acts of worship. It will be costly but it will be HOLY. They will stand in the face of all the lies of the world telling them to be ruled by their desires and reply: “It is our JOY! It is our great DELIGHT to honor the Lord in our bodies! Even if our cross is abstinence and denying ourselves sexual pleasure, we will take it up and we will follow Jesus.”

Jeremy Riddle (@jeremymriddle on Instagram)

Agreements: Releasing the Lies We’ve Believed in Life

This week on the podcast, we go back into the archives as Frank shares a talk he gave a couple years ago on the power of agreements — subtle lies that come into our heart & mind that we might believe about ourselves, others, and even God. Agreements can take a strong hold of our lives if we’re not careful. How do we break the agreements we’ve made in our lives?


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If you and your spouse are struggling and would like help on your journey, please feel free to contact us! Or, if you’re a wife and need some extra help from another wife who’s walked through what you have, head on over to the “Support for Wives” section and shoot Tracey a message by filling out the contact form. All communication is strictly confidential.