3 Steps To Discovering Why You Are Addicted

In this episode of Pure Gold, Frank talks about three steps you need to be taking along your journey to discover the reason for your sexually compulsive behavior. Discovering the “why” behind addiction is so important for long-lasting healing & success in recovery.


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“Healing takes more than time. It takes intentionality. It takes the humility and courage to call what hurts by its name and the resolve to do the work that freedom demands.”

Jackie Hill-Perry

Recently, near the end of the men’s group that I lead, I was getting ready to pray for all the guys in our group. Every man in the group has an incredibly unique story, and so when the time comes for us to pray together in our meetings, I always find these to be powerful moments for God to move within our hearts.

On this particular night, I felt like a specific word was given to me for all of us to embrace: Investigation.

In the journey towards freedom and healing from our unwanted sexual behaviors, I have found that we go through different phases of restoration: Confessing the destructive choices we’ve made, receiving forgiveness from those we have betrayed, and discovering a safe, healthy community we can belong to. These are all critical and necessary steps we must take in order to heal.

And yet, as important as these steps are, I’ve found only one thing to be the glue that holds all of these other things together: Investigating the heart. Discovering “WHY” we medicate our pain is perhaps the greatest step we can take to finding long lasting healing.

How do we discover the “why” behind our addictions and other compulsive behaviors? For this, we have to go back to the word mentioned earlier: Investigation. How does an actual investigation begin? After some kind of crime has been committed, the goal of law enforcement & other investigators is to discover how the crime occurred in the first place. Evidence must be gathered, witnesses must be interviewed, & ultimately, the person who committed the crime must be found and taken in.

Please understand, I’m not suggesting that you try and police your hearts looking for any and every potential cause to the struggles you face. A person could go crazy trying to figure this out. What I am suggesting is that virtually 100% of the time there is a link between pain and addiction. Behind every addiction is a source of pain, abuse, or trauma of which an individual tries to medicate. This is where the journey begins: Venturing into the unknown places of the heart with a flashlight and looking for the places that have been damaged by the actions of others or ourselves.

Sometimes, the cause of the hurt is from an abuse that took place when you were a child. Sometimes, the manipulation of our minds & hearts started when porn was accidentally discovered in our own home. Or it could even be as elusive as a lie or agreement we make about ourselves that works its way into our thinking.

Wherever the source of our pain stems from, we’re the ones responsible to do the real soul work that is necessary in recovery. Where do we begin?

  1. Launch the Investigation — One of the most difficult decisions a person will ever make in recovery is doing the heart surgery required for healing. And while this isn’t easy to do, you don’t have to do it alone. Having a counselor come alongside of you who is certified in sexual addiction therapy is a great start. They can ask the right questions and aid you in tracing the potential sources of any unwanted behavior. Oftentimes, they will help you look at your past and your present.
  2. Discover the Evidence — In virtually every crime scene there is evidence that needs to be discovered by investigators with the goal of leading them to the person responsible. The same is true for our lives in recovery. We have to comb through the places of pain, trauma, or abuse to find what things could have contributed to our addiction. Being involved in community helps this process significantly. And you don’t even have to go far to find it! Small Groups Online offers specific groups that you can become apart of to help you meet others who are walking through the same struggles that you are.
  3. Identify the Suspects — Our ultimate goal is to find where the source of our unwanted sexual behaviors lie. You might think that the the person who binges on porn every night has a porn problem. The reality is that they have a pain problem. And discovering the culprits hiding behind that pain is crucial. Counselors, support groups and many other resources available to you today can help you discover what’s really going on in your life.

I love the words of Psalm 139:23-24, which says “’God, I invite your searching gaze into my heart. Examine me through and through; find out everything that may be hidden within me. Put me to the test and sift through all my anxious cares. See if there is any path of pain I’m walking on, and lead me back to your glorious, everlasting ways— the path that brings me back to you.’”

Remember that the recovery journey is a marathon, not a sprint. It will take a combination of time and intentionality on your part to find the freedom you so desperately long for. But rest assured, YOU CAN DO IT. Never give up on becoming the best version of yourself.


If you and your spouse are struggling and would like help on your journey, please feel free to contact us! Or, if you’re a wife and need some extra help from another wife who’s walked through what you have, head on over to the “Support for Wives” section and shoot Tracey a message by filling out the contact form. All communication is strictly confidential.

What’s Stopping You From Being Honest?

One of the cornerstones of a successful recovery journey is honesty. A person cannot possibly find freedom, healing, & wholeness in their life without honesty. In this episode, Frank talks about why honesty is so important and how you can start the journey towards freedom today! He shares specifically from an article he wrote a couple years back entitled “What’s Stopping You From Being Honest?”


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If you and your spouse are struggling and would like help on your journey, please feel free to contact us! Or, if you’re a wife and need some extra help from another wife who’s walked through what you have, head on over to the “Support for Wives” section and shoot Tracey a message by filling out the contact form. All communication is strictly confidential.

4 Questions You Should Be Asking Yourself In Recovery

Our health & success in recovery depends on being honest with ourselves. If we can’t be honest with ourselves and what’s going on inside our hearts, how we can ever expect to be honest with others? This week on the podcast, we talk about four questions that will help you navigate your feelings, thoughts, and the actions you take in your recovery journey.


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Recovery from sexual addiction (or any addiction for that matter) is a never-ending, ever-changing journey of finding healing & wholeness from unwanted compulsive behavior. The journey is rewarding, there’s no doubt about that. But it can also be a winding road to figure out what’s going on inside of you. Because so many of us have lived in isolation during the season of our addiction, our charge going forward is living a transparent life that people can see into. And one of the ways we do that is by asking the right questions. I would almost describe these as daily maintenance questions: An internal way to really gauge how you’re doing from day to day.

I originally heard these questions in an interview with Nate Larkin, author of the book “Samson and the Pirate Monks.” They can be used in your accountability conversations & relationships or as I described above.

1. What am I feeling?

Feelings certainly shouldn’t rule the day, but they do point to deeper things going on within you. It’s a careful balance for us to not let our feelings dominate us to make unhealthy decisions and at the same time allow them to help us discover what’s underneath emotions like anger, stress, fear, anxiety, loneliness, etc. This helps us to deal with the real root issues going on in a healthy way. Psalms 139:23 is an incredible prayer for moments like these: “God, I invite your searching gaze into my heart. Examine me through and through; find out everything that may be hidden within me. Put me to the test and sift through all my anxious cares.”

2. What am I thinking?

The greatest battles we face often lie in our minds. For a sex addict, thoughts of lust & fantasy aren’t the only residents that live there. A person can make unhealthy, harmful agreements with things that are simply not true. These lies can be words people have spoken over your life or perceptions about yourself or others that you’ve allowed to sneak in. 2nd Corinthians 10:5 tells us what we should do with our thoughts: “We can demolish every deceptive fantasy that opposes God and break through every arrogant attitude that is raised up in defiance of the true knowledge of God. We capture, like prisoners of war, every thought and insist that it bow in obedience to the Anointed One. Start with your heart, and then travel up to your brain to see what’s living inside of there.

3. What am I doing?

You’re now at the place where you find yourself on the edge. This is the tipping point. A moment where you take action. What is the first thing you do when you’re bombarded by feelings of pain & unhealthy thoughts? We’ve all faced this fork in the road. Do I choose to act out in some attempt to numb what I’m feeling or do I reach out to someone who loves me and I can safely share my struggle with? One decision is incredibly easy and one decision takes incredible courage. Which camp do you most often find yourself in? 1 Corinthians 10:13 says this: We all experience times of testing, which is normal for every human being. But God will be faithful to you. He will screen and filter the severity, nature, and timing of every test or trial you face so that you can bear it. And each test is an opportunity to trust him more, for along with every trial God has provided for you a way of escape that will bring you out of it victoriously.

4. What am I thinking of doing?

One of the problems in addiction is that we’ve ignored the real needs we have beneath our feelings and made agreements with lies. So what is our first response? To find a quick fix or medicate the pain that we might be feeling. Cover it up. Pretend it’s not there. Distract ourselves from dealing with the elephant in the room. What we do with our bodies in response to our thoughts and feelings matters. 1 Corinthians 6:19-20 says: Have you forgotten that your body is now the sacred temple of the Spirit of Holiness, who lives in you? You don’t belong to yourself any longer, for the gift of God, the Holy Spirit, lives inside your sanctuary. You were God’s expensive purchase, paid for with tears of blood, so by all means, then, use your body to bring glory to God.

Our health & success in recovery depends on being honest with ourselves. If we can’t be honest with ourselves and what’s going on inside our hearts, how we can ever expect to be honest with others? The questions above will help you navigate your feelings, thoughts, and the actions you take in your recovery journey.


If you and your spouse are struggling and would like help on your journey, please feel free to contact us! Or, if you’re a wife and need some extra help from another wife who’s walked through what you have, head on over to the “Support for Wives” section and shoot Tracey a message by filling out the contact form. All communication is strictly confidential.

Facing the Giant of Addiction

We’re really excited to be able to share this video Frank recorded recently for the Church. In this video, Frank talks specifically to the Church about what addiction is and how we can find healing from compulsive sexual behavior. He also shares his story from addiction into recovery. We hope you are encouraged by this message!


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If you and your spouse are struggling and would like help on your journey, please feel free to contact us! Or, if you’re a wife and need some extra help from another wife who’s walked through what you have, head on over to the “Support for Wives” section and shoot Tracey a message by filling out the contact form. All communication is strictly confidential.

How’s Your Heart?

Too often, we ignore what’s going on inside our hearts because it’s too painful to look at. Proverbs 4:23 has some excellent advice for us to remain diligent in checking in on our heart on a daily basis.


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If you and your spouse are struggling and would like help on your journey, please feel free to contact us! Or, if you’re a wife and need some extra help from another wife who’s walked through what you have, head on over to the “Support for Wives” section and shoot Tracey a message by filling out the contact form. All communication is strictly confidential.